Tag Archives: humor

Sep5

5 Steps to Getting Your Kids to Stop Asking “How Much Longer?”

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If your kids never, ever ask this question, wouldn’t even think asking it, would die before this question passed their lips,  then stop reading right now this instant.  However if, as I strongly suspect, your kids are like mine and fully abuse the question “How Much Longer?” , you might want to check out my latest article on ParentSociety.com,

5 Steps to Getting Your Kids to Stop Asking “How Much Longer?”.  

Alright, already, here is the teaser…

My son has an annoying habit of constantly asking the question, “How much longer?” How much longer will something last, how much longer until we get somewhere, how much longer until something arrives, etc. (OK, it isn’t annoying, it is cute, endearing, precious, just like him … now do I get my parent-of-the-year trophy back?).

Actually, the problem isn’t just that he asks the question…

Enough?  Now, if you please, go here to get the rest of the snarky story.

5 Steps to Getting Your Kids to Stop Asking “How Much Longer?”

Oh, and if you need further laughs on this Wednesday hump day, I recommend this short and sweet vlog –  Boy Meets Tree

For more Sweet Spot Travels: Go Here!

Aug30

6 Budget Activities to Do With Kids in the UK

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For those of you not sick of hearing about my trip to the UK yet (I hope there are at least 2 of you left), my article 6 Budget Activities to Do With Kids in the UK is running on ParentSociety.com today.  It starts out like this…

Ok, here it is people: the truth about travel with kids. You can plan and plan and plan until you are blue in the face. You can research activities you hope your kids will find intriguing until you are bleary-eyed. You can root out every possible fun activity there is until your head is spinning. But no matter how much work you do to entertain your kids on a vacation, the sad reality is that in the end it doesn’t matter. No matter what you do, those slippery little suckers will end up liking some random activity better.

Now, come on, doesn’t that make you the least bit curious?  Wee bit?  Go Here!

6 Budget Activities to Do with Kids in the UK

Other travel musings:

Sweet Spots: UK

Leaving My Heart (& “the Cheeseman”) in Hamburg

Don’t Worry, I Speak the Language

Round ’em Up Son: All is Good in Wales

For more Sweet Spot Travels: Go Here!

Aug16

Leaving My Heart (and “the Cheeseman”) in Hamburg, Germany

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In the middle of a whirlwind tour of the UK, we flew to Hamburg, Germany (boy are our arms tired, ha) to visit friends. For the duration of our stay in Hamburg, we didn’t stay in hotels, tour many historic sites, or contribute to the tourist traps.  Instead, we squeezed into our German friends’ lives – ate homemade meals with them, played on the Elbe River together, shopped, talked, laughed and learned more about each other.  The best kind of travel – Travel with the heart.

On my final night in Hamburg, it became glaringly apparent, I must return to Hamburg – to be with my friends again, to  partake of the wonderful Northern German gastro delights of fresh fish, cheeses, meats and breads, and to play in the Elbe River once more.  But there is also an infinitely more dire reason I must make a reappearance in Hamburg. I must return to see “the cheeseman”.  You see, upon the eve of my departure I learned that “the cheeseman”  is Brad Pitt – David Beckham – Channing Tatum – Ryan Lochte all rolled into one glorious package selling, what else but cheese, at the local market.  Unfortunately, I did not learn this little nugget of hunk-alert (yes, I have a husband, but who doesn’t enjoy a good view every now and again) information until our farewell dinner where, upon learning that I had in fact been to the local market that very day, it was quickly discovered I had failed to purchase any cheese or even approach the cheese stand. The women in attendance began to exclaim…

“Ah, you have been to the market, did you see “the cheeseman”?

“What? I can’t believe you did not see “the cheeseman!”

“Oh, “the cheeseman”.

“He is so beautiful; “the cheeseman” should give up his life of cheese and be in movies”

“I order my cheese very slowly just so I can stay longer staring at “the cheeseman”.

“ ‘The cheeseman’s’ Dad isn’t so hard to look at either!”

So you see, clearly, my Hamburg experience is not yet complete! I will have to return, very soon, before “the cheeseman” runs off to Hollywood.

Some favorite pictures:

Playing Viking Chess on the banks of the Elbe River…to an audience.

Seeing off the Queen Mary 2 as it leaves the Hamburg Harbor.

100 year old underground tunnel, crossing underneath the Elbe River.

Playing and swimming on the Elbe River as massive ships cruise by on their way out to sea.

Making discoveries.

Time to sail on, for now.

For more Sweet Spot Travels: Go Here!

Aug3

Boy Meets Tree

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It’s only funny until someone gets hurt, then it is hilarious

Rest assured – boy is tough, boy walked away with only a few scratches, boy then biked 9 miles down a treacherous mountain trail,

boy thought the video hysterical!

It is always good to laugh, even  especially when it is at yourself.

Sweet Spot: Marlette Lake – Lake Tahoe, CA

For more Sweet Spot Travels: Go Here!

Jul30

Glutton for Punishment: aka Airplane Travel with Kids

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Planning an airplane trip anytime soon with your kids?  Well, if you are ever going to entertain the idea or have had the potentially not-so-pleasureable experience already – better skedaddle on over to ParentSociety.com where today I am sharing

10 Travel Items to Never Leave Home Without

My husband and I have always loved to travel. Therefore, since the time our kids were babies we have dragged them all over the USA and abroad. As with all things, doing any activity with kids involved is, to put it mildly, different. Throughout the years, I have developed a mental checklist of items I never leave home without.  Most All of these suggestions have been learned the hard way, through the rough road of experience (as in sometimes, there was not even a road, just a trail with big ruts).

Some or all of these items may just save you from a few more grey hairs! GREY HAIRS I SAID! What are you waiting for??!  Go Here! Quick!

Some of my early travel experiences When All Else Fails, Cry.

For more Sweet Spot Travels: Go Here!

Jul24

The Freezer Club

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Have you ever heard of  The Freezer Club?  Well, if your first thought runs to some strange club that meets in a deep freeze, or group of people who text while sitting in the refridgerator, you better hurry on over to ParentSociety.com.

My most recent article Why You Should Join the Freezer Club explains in detail about a little discovery I made last week while…

... away from home at a baseball field in over 100 degree heat, getting bitten by bugs, coated in dust and desiring to rip all my clothes off in order to stop them from sticking to me (although I worried such a display might throw off my kids batting).

Trust me – it is a good discovery and quite possibly the most innovative idea I have come across in a long time with regards to feeding a family in a way that is all at once healthy, economical and fun! Go here!

Why You Should Join the Freezer Club

My other forays into cooking:  Where’s the Beef?

Jul20

Today’s Best Moment: Friday 7/20

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Being a baseball parent can be rough, let me tell you.

The endless season, the stress and worry, the out-of-hand sports parents, the small town tournaments, the bad hotels,the can-never-please parents attacking coach husband, the countless hours washing and washing and washing uniforms, the  multitude of practices, the driving, the hot sun, the heartbreaking losses, and the list goes on.

But every once in a while something happens.

A bright spot.

And I am not talking about wins or successes (although clearly, those are good, too).

No, this is an event infinitely more powerful.

When  least expected, I get to see my husband do something like  this:

And suddenly, in that moment, I know it is all worth it.

Jul17

Confessions of a Shopaholic

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My most recent article on ParentSociety.com deals with something very near and dear to my heart, a favored activity if you will, something my son abhors but my Mom and I always adored …shopping.

I know, I know, not my usual literary contribution (’cause usually I write ‘high and mighty’ posts such as  Show Me Your Weenus), but I felt like sharing some of my favorite discount shopping sites this week with readers in  My Top 5 Discount Shopping Sites. (you can thank me or curse me later).

It starts out like this:

Hi, my name is Paula, I am a shopaholic.

Yes, it is true. But don’t plan an intervention just yet. For, you see, I am very content in my addiction. Happy, even.

So, if you are a shopaholic like me, shopping enthusiast, or just plain curious, go HERE to read the rest and find out 5 places to find a good deal.

My Top 5 Discount Shopping Sites

Jul16

6 Reasons to Reconsider Being Man’s Best Friend

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Two years ago my son was granted permission to buy a dart board because, well, truthfully the reason completely alludes me now (more proof of too many brain cells destroyed prior to or as a result of motherhood).

No sooner had the dart board been placed on the wall when an argument commenced between my two boys bringing to mind a long ago fight between my then teen brothers involving the last frozen pizza and proof that a pizza cutter can stick in a wall when thrown with conviction.  But I digress.  Back to my boys, I arrived on the scene to find them  with smoke coming out of their ears (descriptively speaking, of course), darts clenched in hands and a shattered window with a suspiciously small hole the size of um, a dart.

Well, turning darts into weapons of mass destruction definitely called for an all-out ban on all dart board usage for an indeterminate amount of time.

However, finally the amount of time (2 years as it turned out) was determined when I arrived home to find the dart board placed on the wall (far from any windows this time) and darts actually being thrown at the dart board and not each other (shocking!).

Which brings me (finally, I know) to the point of my story.  You see, my boys and I commenced in a rousing game of round robin darts.  It very quickly came to my attention that our border collie had chosen a particular spot from which to observe the action.  No matter how hard we tried to get her to move, she would not be budged.

Why is this a problem, you ask?  I can offer not 1, not 2, but 6 excellent reasons my dog should reconsider:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you see, our proficiency in darts is, in a word, lacking.  So either our dog is devoid of all common sense and intelligence or is truly Man’s Best Friend with an unflagging amount of faith in us.  Honestly, I am torn.  My dog is an excellent watch dog and can take down a UPS man with the best of them, but she also eats cat poop.

In closing, allow me to add that our cat chose a spot just around the corner where she was positively safe from stray dart harm but still had an eagle eye view of dog…just in case?

Maybe, just maybe, the whole Man’s Best Friend gig just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be…but don’t tell my dog.

Jul9

It’s All Spicoli’s Fault

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Did you know Spicoli from the movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High is responsible for increased Marijuana use in teens today?  Ok well, not exactly but it is amazing what one can accomplish with a little circular logic! Hey, it is the internet, I can make up anything I want, right?

Alright, alright, there might be a little scientific information thrown into my recent article just for good measure!

My most recent article on Parentsociety.com “Are You Ambivalent About Marijuana Use?” explores the possibility that, as parents of a certain age, our perception of the big M is contributing to the increased use by our teens.

Marijuana, or as my son likes to call it, “mar-i-ji-hwana,” is a drug parents of a certain age are well familiar with. We all had friends who smoked it, we laughed about “stoners,”and maybe we even partook of it ourselves a time or two …  I recently realized I tend to look on the little dried plant as a chihuahua among a brood of bulldogs where drugs are concerned.

Oh, and don’t miss the 8 little tips at the end.  They are gems, I tell you, gems!

Go Here!

“Are You Ambivalent About Marijuana Use?”

Jul6

‘Til Death Do Us Part, Which May Be Sooner Than You Think

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Yesterday was my 16th wedding anniversary.  Yesterday, I wanted to strangle my husband. Ok, hold on, don’t send for “the Po Po” just yet (and for those of you who don’t speak 10 year old – “the Police”). Contrary to what you might be thinking, it is not because he had not gotten me a gift (which he hadn’t) or card (again, nope) but because he promised a favor.

You see, my husband is one of those good guys.  Therefore when our elderly neighbor asked my husband to drive her 2 hours to the airport to meet and pick up her adult son and then drive them the 2 hours back, he, of course, agreed.  However, at the moment of acquiescing, he did not realize two things.  One, the day in question was our anniversary and two, he would be called to one of those can’t-miss-on-penalty-of-death type meetings.

So, I guess you are thinking I was ready to commit husband strangulation because he forgot our anniversary.  But, the truth is, I forgot too.  No, what got my undies all in a bundle was the fact that now, in light of the meeting, his saintly gesture to our neighbor now fell to me to execute and well, I am just not that saintly.  Nonetheless, execute I did!

Really, I am not as big a twirp as I sound.  At the time agreed, I met my neighbor with a smile, assured her it was no big deal when she thanked me on the outset of our trip and declared me over-the-top neighborly (ha, if she only knew).

At first, we played telephone on the long drive to the airport,

“Did you have dinner?”

“Who did you say was thinner?”

“No, I asked, DID YOU HAVE DINNER?”

“Oh, I am not much of a singer.”

Then, we opted for silence.

We arrived right on schedule… 40 min before the flight arrived.

We parked and waited at the gate for arrival.

With my neighbors son in tow, we slowly walked to baggage claim, waited,  and then slowly back to the parked car.  I paused for them at the crosswalk while a pair of turtles hurried past (ok, she has an excuse – at 90 you are allowed to walk any speed you want and I guess he was just tired).

On the 2 hour eternity ride home, we played more telephone. But after my best sorority-girl conversation starters fell like a drunk man off a roof, we rode in awkward silence.  That is until out of nowhere, like we were about to be in a 10 car pile up, my elderly neighbor’s son shouted “THERE IT IS” pointing out our approaching exit (like I didn’t know that since I had been counting the mile markers for about the last 35 miles).

Finally, we arrived back.  I wished them a good visit and went home.

When I arrived at my house, I was ready to tell my husband all about my eventful “good deed” – the pain, the suffering, the agonizing silence, the rousing games of telephone. But, no one was home.  My husband still at his meeting, kids still at their assigned places.  Then, on the table, I saw this:

What is it they say, no good deed goes unpunished?  That may be true, but  it wasn’t all bad. Flowers, presents, and a happy elderly neighbor… yeah, I suppose I came out alright, possibly even ahead.

Jun29

Today’s Best Moment: Friday, 6/29

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Today, actually a few minutes ago, I asked my son to climb one of his favorite trees so I could take a picture for an upcoming blog post.  He quickly scaled his tree like no monkey ever could.  I was suddenly reminded of a moment when he was around 6 years old. My Mom, Grandma,  was visiting.  Grandma went outside to see what he was doing and found him as high up in his tree as was possible to get.

Grandma called up to him:

 “You are so high, could you come down, I am afraid for you”

To which my son, without missing a beat, replied:

“Grandma, you will just have to conquer your fears.”

My Mom and I still laugh about it.

I hope his tree lives forever.

Jun26

Top 10 Clues You Are Not Cut Out for Country Life

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So, you think you can cut it in the country?  Yeah, well that is what I thought, too.  However, last week after dissolving in tears upon committing vehicular skunk-slaughter, it became glaringly clear you can “Take the girl out of the city, but…”.  (I mean really, the poor creature was just trying to, shall we say, get to the other side).

Therefore, just in case you may have the bright idea to a switch to rural life anytime in the future, allow me to bestow upon you the benefit of first-hand experience!

Top 10 Clues you are not cut out for Country Life.

10.  You cry over road kill.  Including the skunk that assured your car would never smell the same again.

9. You shudder when instructed to park your car on the grass – even though it is already filled with cars, trucks and ATVs.

8.  You think wearing 4 inch wedges to a hayride is a feasible alternative to high heeled pumps. But, at least you learn the purpose for the warning “beware the steaming rocks”.

7.  You look at your kid like he is Jack the Ripper when requested to gut and cook the fish he caught.

6.  You feel compelled to declare the yard an animal sanctuary…from your kids.

5.  Your car and a deer leaping out of the woods collide – you are dismayed over the deer’s injuries but completely unconcerned by the fact your car is now totaled.

4.  You don’t like red meat. But, you try to keep this one under wraps on the off chance there really is some truth to the “ride out of town on a rail” rumor. (oh, and on a side note: You never mention that “vegetarian” word)

3.  You have a maniacal fear of mini-blood-sucking-demons-from-hell,  also known as  Tics.

2.  You are not a fan of dirt/dust/mud/gravel/snow/ice – they interfere with your shoe choices.

and last but not least…

1.  You are at a loss as to how to respond to the question “Do you want ½ a cow?” because you are busy picturing which half and how a cow stands up with only two legs.

If you still decide to give the country a go, I wish you luck and may you never feel the sting (or smell the smell) of skunk road kill.

Jun1

Today’s Best Moment: Friday, 6/1

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Happy Friday!

May your weekend be filled with fun, laughs and sunshine.  And, may you endeavor to answer the age old question:

“How much sand really can fit in a T-shirt?”

May30

My Kids Are Stressing Me Out!

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I know, I know, we all have stress.  However, in my most recent article over at ParentSociety.com today entitled “My Kids Are Stressing Me Out!”, I share a discovery made about stress you really don’t want to miss.

Just to be nice (because, that is just the way I am) here is how the tale begins!

I was browsing through a magazine recently when I came across this statement:

“Too much stress can slow your metabolism, causing you to gain weight in your midsection.”

Allow me to translate: “Stress gives you belly fat.”

Honestly, “them’s fightin’ words”…

Now, you will have to Go HERE to find out what I plan to do about it!

Thank you to all the friends & family who were coerced into being  helped out by being a  part of my survey in the writing of this article!

May25

Word-Up: Show Me Your Weenus

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I knew it!  I feared the day would come – the moment when I would finally be presented with undeniable proof I was failing as a parent.  I wanted to deny it, but the evidence was right there staring me in the face.  Clearly, I was raising a depraved sociopath.

You know the age old story, in the aftermath of a sociopath’s identification, when the neighbors wax poetic for the press?  Statements of disbelief such as:  “But, they were such a nice family”…  “Never heard a peep out of them”…”mostly kept to themselves”…”They had a lot of garden gnomes.”

Right, well, I could just see the entire future unfolding. How had it come to this?

You see, last weekend as we drove endlessly in the car from one activity to another, the irrefutable proof of my impending catastrophe occurred. I don’t know, maybe my kids were bored.  And what is it ‘they’ say?  Boredom is the devil’s playground?  Boredom is the Mother of Invention?  Either way, from the depths of the backseat, my son called out,

“Mom, I scraped my weenus, could you put a band aide on it?”

What?!

Before I could even process his statement, the situation deteriorated further. Apparently, my parental fiasco was farther reaching than just one dissolute sociopath as both boys continued in a flourish of depravity.

“Mom, my weenus is exposed”.

“I need some sunscreen for my weenus”.

“Hey, get your weenus out of my face”.

“Look, my weenus is all wrinkled”.

“I am going to touch you with my weenus”.

“I have the weirdest weenus, want to see?”.

The situation seemed dire at best.

But then, just as I was getting ready to take preventative action (you can google for a psychotherapist, right?), I was saved.  In the nick of time, I was informed by my little backseat degenerates their particular word “weenus” came with its own specific definition. However, just to be sure (and to have proof for possible future penal encounters – ha, get it?), I googled it myself- lo and behold:

According to Urban Dictionary: “Weenus is the flap of skin on your elbow”.

Sigh of relief.  Apparently I am not raising a couple of depraved sociopaths, just a couple of depraved smart alecks.

But that I can live with, proudly.

For more word abuse, check out these earlier posts!

Word-Up:  Poop

Word-Up: Opus Anyone?

Word-Up: Get a Yob!

May21

Teen Talk, Episode #2

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toothfairy

Comic by K

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you another installment of Teen Talk.  Everything you are about to hear is real and unedited. Please, do not try this at home.

One day, Teen lost a tooth.

Teen:  “Mom, should I put the tooth under my pillow or will the “Tooth Fairy” (finger quotes) just give me the dollar?”

Mom:  “What? No, put it under your pillow.  The Tooth Fairy only operates one way around here.”

The next day.

Teen:  “Mom!  The “Tooth Fairy” (again with the finger quotes) forgot me.  I was THOROUGHLY NEGLECTED!”

(Back story:  This is now the second time the Tooth Fairy has been caught sleeping – literally – on the job).

Mom:  “Man, that Tooth Fairy is the biggest slacker EVER!  I will have a serious talk with her.  Could you give her one more chance?”

Teen:  “Ok”

The next morning.

Mom: “Soooo, did the Tooth Fairy make good, come through, leave you a dollar?”

Teen:  “Yeah. (pause) But I expected interest.”

The end

For more views by Teen Go Here: Teen Talk

May17

What Kind of Sports Parent Are You?

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Do you have kids in sports.  Do you know parents who have kids in sports?  Do you plan to someday have kids in sports? Or, do you just like to laugh at parents who have kids in sports?

Well then, you should read my latest article on ParentSociety.com,  called “6 Kinds of Sports Parents. Which are you?”
and take my Sports Parent Quiz.

Now, some of you may be familiar with the post I wrote  at the start of my kids’ baseball season “Bulldogs Don’t Wear Lipstick” where I vowed to be a good better Sport Mom. But recently, I have had the desire to really examine the sports parent phenomenon – what makes a good sports parent, and what makes a nightmare one.

The article starts with the study that initially intrigued me:

I read a study recently where hundreds of college athletes, over 30 years time, were polled with the question: “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?”

The overwhelming answer was: “The ride home from the games with my parents.”

Those same college athletes were also asked what gave them joy and made them feel good during or after a game. The most common answer was their parents saying…

Ha – cliffhanger!  You will  have to go  HERE to find out the answer and hopefully, take my quiz.

Are you scared?  Don’t worry.  It will be fun.  I have always found it is good to laugh at yourself…this way, the people laughing at you have company.

Oh, and be sure to come back here and tell me how you scored! Pretty please with sugar,  chocolate and peanut butter on top?

May15

Go Ahead, Make My Day

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The letter.  Do you remember that dinosaur?  No, no, no, it is not something you type out onto an email, or text from your phone or even message on Facebook.  It is not the same as commenting, liking, tweeting, repining, stumbling, joining or even following (did I miss any?).  Need a memory jog…or maybe, marathon?

The letter is that archaic form of communication where you actually pick up a pen (if you can find one that works), select a stationary or card (my favorite often had bunnies or rainbows), write by hand sentiments and thoughts (which requires you have some), write the address (that street-city-state-zip thingy), stamp it (the little.44 sticker) and send by (gasp) the US Post – heretofore to be referred to as “snail-mail”.  Coming back to you now?

Well, recently I have been thinking about letters a lot.  I have been remembering the stationary kits I had as a kid, complete with matching paper, envelopes and stickers.  I have been reminiscing over the times when I lived away from home and became closer to friends and family through this antiquated form of communication. I have been cherishing all the letter responses I stored away and saved. I have been laughing hysterically over letters written by my teen self to my Grandmother that were returned to me upon her death. I have been recalling how, when you receive a physical letter, it feels like obtaining a piece of the person who penned it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the electronic mediums as much as the next girl. You just can’t beat the convenience of texting/emailing while driving, the divides bridged (and marriages compromised) by social networks, and the home created for otherwise completely useless information.

But, here is the thing, I have a friend (yep, true stuff there). She is a special kind of friend. She is the kind of friend I have known since before puberty.  The kind of friend who remembers the leopard patched ripped-up Levis I wore with pride and will still call me out on if need be. The kind of friend with whom I have, fought, laughed, cried, and survived over the years. The ‘til death do us part kind of friend.

This friend, well, she still on occasion writes letters.  When I least expect it and sometimes most need it, a letter will arrive in my mailbox from her.  It will be filled with words of encouragement, sentiment, and love.  It will be decorated with stickers or sayings.  It will have taken her time, attention and effort to accomplish. Sometimes, the stationary will be hand crafted; sometimes the letter will be written all helter skelter; and sometimes the contents will cause me to smile, laugh or even cry a little.

But, no matter what is inside, the letter always makes my day – in that warm, cared about, loved and appreciated kind of way. In a manner that no email, text, IM, tweet, like or follow ever could, or honestly, ever will.

So today, I am going to write my friend a letter. I am going to enclose some words of love, encouragement and appreciation. Maybe, I will decorate it with stickers.  Probably, I will try to write something funny. Definitely, I will pen into the words a piece of myself. Then, I am going to address it, stamp it and send it via snail-mail.

And when the letter arrives in my friend’s mailbox,

I hope, it makes her day.