Category Archives: Quote

How to “Find Yourself” at 50

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The QuizThis year, I reached a milestone of 50 (not in pushups, unfortunately, but in years). When I turned 40, shopping like crazy for the next decade seemed an acceptable course of action, but when I hit 50, at least some self-reflection was pretty much unavoidable.

How hard could it be? After 50 years I thought I had a handle on myself. On the keeping it real side, I have reconciled to the fact that I am not actually a good cook, or very crafty (despite embarrassing efforts on both), and I will never learn to like Cantaloupe. In the glass is half full kind of way, I have a healthy (if somewhat immature) sense of humor, I am good at taking on new challenges, and I am thrilled I never, ever have to learn to like Cantaloupe.

However, I was totally unprepared for the new realm of cyber self-discovery offered by the Facebook Quiz. Do you know it? The rampant quizzes offered online that allow the user to not only discover something they never knew they needed to know about themselves, but also the ability to share the vastly interesting findings with everyone on Facebook – things of great import such as What Broadway Musical are you?, Who is your Hunger Games Soulmate?, and How Many Goats are You Worth?

At first I laughed and made fun of people who took them (I’m 50; I’m allowed to do that). But curiosity got the best of me. Once I began to actually take the quizzes the depth of information I did not know about myself seemed endless. I couldn’t stop taking them and over the course of several months, I took every quiz I could find. I made some astounding discoveries.

Some of them made complete sense like,

1.  My personality color is Blue (even though on another day I took the quiz and could not stop getting the color pink – which makes me wonder if I have a split personality I was previously unaware of).

2.  If I were in a Horror Flick I would die right away (I always suspected as much).

3.  If I were a precious stone I would be an Emerald (Probably because I have watched Wizard of Oz a gazillion times.)

Some discoveries I can’t believe I went 50 years without knowing such as;

4.  If I was a Golden Girl I would be Rose (those “blond” moments have finally caught up with me).

5.  If I were a dessert I would be a Lemon Tart (because I am witty, zesty…and old).

6.  My hippy name is Luna (which my kids decided, made complete sense).

However, some information I found hard to reconcile like:

7.  If I were a movie character I would be Tony Stark (a complete let down from the standpoint that I would need to have man parts and was totally hoping for Holly GoLightly.)

8.  My boyfriend from the past was Cary Grant (I always thought of myself as more of a Montgomery Clift kind of girl – you know, the torchured brooding type).

9.  However, getting to smooch with Cary Grant (or Monty) hardly mattered since I also found out my most likely death in the past was to go down on the Titanic (completely proving my refusal to go on cruises did not actually stem from sea sickness and a fear of buffets).

10.  I am only 55% Bada$$ – meaning I am only a “Bada$$ in training wheels.” (But since the quiz, “What Famous Bada$$ are You?” said I was Mati Hari, I suggest you still watch your back).

And some of the discoveries I was just plain dubious about like:

11.  I am actually NOT a psychopath (a relief to my husband although he is still skeptical).

12.  My secret talent is Staying Calm (I don’t think my family was consulted here).

13. My calling is to be a Creative Master. (Clearly my cut out sugar cookies blobs were NOT considered).

14.  The country that most suits me is Monaco because I was born to live in the lap of luxury ( I am 50 years past that birth, anytime would be a good time for that to start!).

15.  My ideal way to spend a vacation was on a road trip across the United States. (in a car for hours on end with two teenagers? I think not).

And then there were the quizzes that required retakes such as:

16.  Which State Are You? On first try I was Massachusetts, which is just too cold, so I kept taking it until I got California.

17.  What Decade Are You? I got the 50’s. But now when I wear 50’s vintage sweaters I look old instead of hip.  So I retook the test until I got the 80’s (cause the 80’s and shoulder pads are cool again).

18.  Who is Your Celebrity Boyfriend? On the first try I found out my celebrity boyfriend and soul mate was Ryan Gosling, which I was completely thrilled about. However, I was greedy and wanted to see who else I could pick from and on the second attempt got Channing Tatum (hmmm, how will I ever choose?).

19.  What Brand of Car Best Describes You? On first take I got Toyota Prius which meant I cared about the Earth, but also seemed so un-sexy. On the next try I got Ferrari which meant I was Fast and Fabulous (like, was there ever any doubt?)

In the end, I was just happy to know, via the quizzes, my mental age is 22 (which may be reflective of my enjoyment of immature humor), the one word that best describes me is “Adventurous” (probably because I am the Mom of teens and survived a polar vortex), if I were a dog I would be a German Shepard (I was just relieved not to be a Terrier), my ideal career is Actor (being able to cry on command gets a lot accomplished), my song is “Your Beautiful” (which must stem from my penchant for straggly haired folk singers),

And most importantly, in a trade/dowry situation, I am worth 7 goats (which totally miffed Teen, because he was only worth 6).

If you think this article is making fun of the Facebook Quiz craze, well, you would be right. However, despite my ridicule, there was something intoxicating (not to mention a great time killer) about answering a slew of random questions designed to reveal some potentially deep dark (or shallow) secrets about yourself. And I did learn a thing or two – Which happily proves, even at 50, there are still things to learn (and everything on the internet is true).

Therefore, in the spirit of my new discoveries, I am leaving behind the well-loved mantra of my 40’s “Shop ‘til you drop” (-all women everywhere), to adopt the new mantra of my 50’s “Learn as if you were to live forever” (-Gandhi) – Which should keep me plenty busy for the next decade learning new ways to continue to shop.

Oh, and if we should, in the future, happen to cross paths,

Just call me Luna and bring some treats for my goats.

To find out how many Goats you are worth…go here.
(But, if you are worth more than 6, don’t tell Teen).

 

 

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Never Sit on the Couch at a Nudist Colony

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There is a guy who lives in my house.  I like to refer to this particular guy as PRE-Teen.  Truth be told, this is not the first time I have been motivated to write about PRE-Teen and his unique take on the world around him.  (A Decade of Wisdom).

Listen, I know he is my kid and therefore I am genetically programmed to think every thought he expresses is cute, amazing, hysterical, brilliant even (quick, call CNN).  But I honestly challenge you to read through the list quoting 10 of his more recent declarations and not find at least one that makes you smile, laugh or fist pump in agreement.

In the world according to PRE-Teen:

Being smart is fun and all, but I it is good to take a break.

Batman’s movies are good but Batman is a sissy Superhero because he has no actual super power and he isn’t even smart, like Ironman.  The most Batman can claim is “Manhero”.

And while on the subject…

Joker is a completely lame villain when played by anyone other than Heath Ledger.

Eating too many gummy bears gives you gummy spit.

There is nothing more completely wrong than a “Mankini”…

…except maybe a hairy man wearing a “Mankini”.

Never miss (breakfast) “the most important meal of the day” – even if that means having it for dinner.

Teachers are like tissues, they are no good once they have been used. (although, he recently added the discovery that some can be folded and used again).

Vegetables are like ice cream…except they taste bad.

And last, my own personal favorite…

Never sit on the couch at a nudist colony. (think about it)

Sometimes, following his random proclamations, a lengthy debate ensues.

But most of the time I just have to nod my head,

and agree.

(and giggle a little, too)

For other Pre-teen isms Go Here!

DodgeBall State of Mind

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In my testosterone driven household, sports are played & watched, hygiene is an afterthought, all bodily functions are hysterical, weapons are coveted, shadow punching serves as a greeting, and,

Movie one liners are viewed as the cures to all that ails you.

Seriously, gone are the days when I could just watch a movie and forget about it.  Now, due to the uncanny ability of my boys to remember every funny line in a movie, I now relive movies in a whole new way.  You see, not only do they recall every bit of humorous dialog, but they then proceed to plagiarize them incessantly – weaving them into our daily conversations in the name of comic relief.  Apparently, my house is in need of a tremendous amount of relief.

Over the years, favorites have developed.  For an excuse in a multitude of situations, nothing works better than “I would do that (dive off a waterfall) if I didn’t have diarrhea” from Club Paradise.

And, to deflect from an embarrassing situation, “I find everyone’s pain funny but my own…I’m French” from Flushed Away is always the perfect.

And, even though it is actually from a play, the line “If we can’t kill it, it’s immortal” from A Tuna Christmas, well, is just plain funny.

Recently, however, our world has become ensconced in the prolific one liners from the movie DodgeBall (with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller).  If you have never seen it let me assure you, it is jammed packed with all kinds of adolescent boy humor goodness. It seems no matter what the life situation, a DodgeBall snippet of dialog is just the ticket to smoothing things over and offering meaningful advice.  You doubt me?

Allow me to demonstrate:

For confronting challenges:

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball”

For conveying revenge:

“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.  Nobody!”

For expressing disgust:

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit

For bolstering confidence:

“My gym has shareholders, your gym doesn’t even have cup holders!”

And to take confidence to the next level:

“Here at Global Gym we’re better than you and we know it”

For snappy comebacks:

Statement:  “I’m off the clock”

Response: “How convenient for you…and the clock!”

…and the best in my humble opinion,

For facing difficulties:

“Necessary!  Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?  No!  But, it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

Honestly, I don’t recommend it for the faint of heart…or easily offended.  But, for those wanting to indulge your adolescent side, laugh hysterically and gain a world of “good advice” in the process – well, DodgeBall might be right up your alley.

As for me, what can I say, I am a joiner and can never resist a good laugh. And, in my male dominated home, I have learned to never underestimate the power of a good one-liner!

In closing, I leave you a final DodgeBall one liner word of advice…

If you master the 5 D’s of Dodgeball, no amount of ‘balls’ can hit you – Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive and Dodge.

True Love By Way of a Kitty Dance and a Bucking Horse

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Over the years I have been encouraged to tell the serendipitous story of how my husband, Jim, and I found each other. Valentine’s Day seemed like a good time.  Honestly, I tried to keep it short, but it just isn’t that kind of tale.

I was 23, touring as a performer in the National IV tour of CATS.  He was 25, working at his family owned hotel in New Orleans, LA –  which is where the story begins.  The tour stopped in New Orleans for  2 weeks of performances and some of us ‘Kitty’s’ were thrilled to find and stay at his quaint, historic hotel.  Our first meeting occurred over a broken stove. I called the front desk to have someone come repair the stove in my room (this was when cooking actually seemed fun) and he showed up at my door. Over that hot and steamy repair job (kidding!) the attraction was immediate. We spent those 2 weeks together, getting to know each other.

After those two weeks, though, on I went with the tour to the next city.

Over the next several months we stayed in contact by letters (you know the handwritten thing that goes on paper).  We kept in touch while I finished the tour and went back to Los Angeles to continue my performance career and he cruised around South America starting an export business (the legal type – Alpaca sweaters) and around the US on the PRCA (Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association) circuit as a Bull and Bronc rider (all true, I swear).

Finally, an agreement was made; he would come to LA to visit me.  However, not long after his arrival in LA, I informed him “I do not see this relationship going anywhere”.  In truth, I do not recall saying it in just this way (as he relayed to me some time later), but my Mom ratted me out by saying it sounded “exactly like something I used to say in those days”. (There went her Christmas present that year!).

Anyway, off he went, back to New Orleans. That was the last time we spoke.

7 years went by (yep, 7 years!).

In that time he continued with his export business, riding the Pro-rodeo PRCA circuit, and attending to the hotel.  I kicked around LA doing commercials & videos, singing in bands, marketing music artists, and doing what all aspiring performers do in LA –bartend, waitress and do odd jobs.

But, the pertinent part is, during that time, I had the pleasure occasion to kiss a lot of frogs. Cute some may have been, but none of which turned into a handsome prince (although, a few morphed into evil wizards with bad complexions).

Then, it happened.  One day, on the heels of the crown jewels of bad relationships, I was teaching Line Dancing at the trendy Denim & Diamonds Country Music Nightclub in Santa Monica (one of those odd jobs).  I happened to look up at the TV screen with the ever running assortment of ‘all things western’ and there he was; on the screen, in all his Pro-rodeo glory, riding a bucking horse (well, getting bucked off a bucking horse if you must know), in a PRCA rodeo in Texas. Thus began the obsessive thought process that would plague me for days on end:  “He was a really good guy”…”What was I thinking back then (as in, what an idiot I was)”…”man, I really blew that”…”I wonder what he is doing now…married???”

I spent days thinking and thinking about it; until I could not take the cosmic hammering anymore and decided to take action.

At the time, I was performing in a trio that was preparing to open up for Carlene Carter.  As the group was addressing promotional postcards with our picture on it (this is what one did before “social networking”), I addressed one to him at his hotel in New Orleans, which consequently his family still owned, with a small note (and, duh, my phone number) included. (oh, home-wrecker I’m not – one call to chatty desk clerk at hotel confirmed bachelorhood).

Since our final parting 7 years prior had been, ummm, not the best in his memory, he was prepared to possibly discard the greeting.  That is until his English friend (I knew I liked that bloke), in his never beat around the bush way, pointed out that due to the “positive physical attributes” displayed in the picture, perhaps at least a return phone call was in order (praise be the wisdom of guy-logic).

He did call.  Then he called again, many times.  And then we arranged to get together. Gullible Forgiving guy that he is, he, again, came out to see me in LA.  This time, I did not send him home with some stupid edict, but rather with the promise of a reciprocal visit to New Orleans and more.

And despite the fact that I bristled ever so slightly at the statement made by him some months later that if “anyone had ever told me I had already met the girl I was going to marry, I would never have thought of you” and he, annoyed by the fact that I had to slobber all over a bunch of frogs before finally getting it right…

We married a 1 ½ years later.

Well, 7 years and 1 ½ years later.

This year we will celebrate our 16th anniversary. I am thinking all those frogs and bucking livestock were well worth the trouble – which only goes to show that it is a good thing, life is what happens while you are busy making plans!

As author Saul Bellow so eloquently put it:  

“Unexpected intrusions of Beauty.  That’s what life is.”

Happy Valentines Day

A Decade of Wisdom

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I have a son. I have had him for a decade.  Apparently, 10 years is a long enough time for some to acquire a significant amount of knowledge and I have, consequently, learned a vast amount from him.  Not the usual wisdom one might aspire to but, I have come to believe,  he is definitely onto something.  What, exactly, I couldn’t really say; but valuable, to be sure. And, what good is knowledge if not shared? Therefore, in the interest of fairness, here are some of the Decade Boy’s most admired words of wisdom.

Why goof of tomorrow when you can goof off today.

Girls who chase boys are pathetic.

Smart people are often “over-rated”.

The enjoyment of any activity is always increased by the removal of all authority figures.

School (work) could actually be fun in Heelys…and, of course, no teachers (bosses).

The song “Animal Crackers in My Soup” is worth singing repeatedly after changing the word “Soup” to “Poop”.

School is completely unnecessary, just “figure it out.”

Forget motivational speeches, prizes, or perks…you want results?  Show me the money!

Which brings us to:

Career goal: “To be Rich.”

Most Memorable Quote:

“All the seasons of Childhood are wasted while in School.”

And lastly:

The person who decided it was a good idea to have 5 days of school/work to only 2 days of weekend was the dumbest person on the planet.

Confucius say: He who passes gas in church sits in his own pew.

Decade Boy say:  When all else fails…kick butt.

Like I said…clearly onto something.

For more Pre-teen isms –  A Decade of Wisdom – Go Here!

Moon Over Missouri River

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“I like to think that the moon is there, even if I am not looking at it.” Albert Einstein

This is what greeted me at the door upon leaving work last night.