Tag Archives: sugar

Every Good Rebellion Deserves Documentation

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soda ban

Before I had kids, I tried to imagine the type of parent I would be.  In all scenarios, I feel pretty confident I was the coolest, most inspired and creative mom ever!  I also feel fairly confident in none of my Norman Rockwell-esq Mom visions was I referred to as the “food dictator” or “nutrition tyrant”.  But, sadly, these terms have both been used to describe aspects of my parenting.   I all at once resent and resemble these remarks.  It is true, trying to make sure my family is eating healthy and not ingesting poison hidden in food has been a primary goal in my parenting strategy.  My kids would say the goal consisted more of terrorizing them with whole grain bread and massive amounts of broccoli.  But the truth is, I just want them to be healthy, strong and not have strange tumors growing out their ears by the age of 20.

Like any good dictator worth his/her salt, I have had to work very hard to protect my subjects from themselves.  Along the way, this has meant not only supplying them with healthy foods, refusing to purchase foods deemed unworthy and limiting questionable foods, it has also required declaring the occasional all out Ban on the most harmful and unacceptable food creations.

For instance, there was the “Sugar Ban” for my first born when he was 0-2 (he maintains the applesauce sweetened cake I made him for his first birthday  party is a clear cut case of child abuse) and “Sugar-Ban #2” for my second born when he was in preschool (he says he will work it out in therapy later).  Then came the “Soda Ban” , the “Artificial Sweetener Ban” (seriously, ants won’t even eat it),  the “Hydrogenated Oil Ban”(it does such great things for the butt), the “Nitrates Ban” (who cares if your lunch meat is gray?), the “All Plastics and Canned Goods with BPA Ban”, the “Microwave Popcorn Ban” (that one really hurt), the “Doritos Ban” (I believe this was when the term “Nutrition Tyrant” emerged),  and the “Gatorade Ban” (because what better way to reward an athletic body than by dumping flame retardant into it?), to name just a few.

However, the most recent ban left all my subjects shaken and cowering in fear on the kitchen floor…”The Microwave Ban.” You see, a few months back, I decided we had dumped enough microwaves into our bodies for a lifetime and pulled the plug on the microwave – literally.  Playing right into my hands was the fact that the monster had taken to running with the door fully open and at times, refused to shut off.

As if we had never warmed food in the dark ages before microwaves, I began to come upon bizarre and disturbing scenes in the kitchen – soup being heated up in the oven, beans being burned in a frying pan on the stove, blank stares at mugs of water needing to be heated, whole dinners in the oven on the actual dinner plate – or even worse, person trying to eat off the scorching hot dinner plate after coming out of the oven.  But despite begging and pleading on the part of my minions, I unrelentingly held my ground on  “The Microwave Ban”.

History will tell you, every dictator must endure his/her share of rebellion and subversive decent.  I don’t fool myself that there haven’t  been plenty of insubordinate acts occurring behind my back.  Lucky for my kids, they have always found a willing co-conspirator in their Dad. However, with help from sometimes eager informer (Pre-Teen) and my  keen sense of observation (empty Doritos bag in the trash) many of these mutinies did not go undiscovered.

But, with age and oppression comes ingenuity.  One morning, several months into “The Microwave Ban”, I walked into the kitchen to find the microwave missing from its place on top of the refrigerator.  You see, even though I had relieved the microwave of its duties, even my tyrannical heart had not been able to evict it altogether.

Me:  “Where’s the microwave?”

Teen: “Outside.”

Me:  “Ok….why?”

Teen: “We were doing something with it.”

Apparently in the night, Teen had found a willing rebellious accomplice in a friend staying for the night.  They had decided, somewhere after the midnight hour when the dictator was fast asleep, to haul the microwave outside onto the back porch a do what they had always wanted to do…zap stuff you are not supposed to zap in a microwave…ever!

Later the next day, these videos appeared on Facebook:

and the crowning glory – two rebellious acts all at once (I am sure there were some empty soda cans nearby as well)

Because, every good rebellion deserves to be documented.

More tyranny on Sweet Spot:  Down With Fish Tyranny

Payback to the Food Dictator:  The Rebellion Rages On

New Years Non-Resolutions

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Yeah, I know the New Years Resolution Bus has passed.  However, due to the fact that my Christmas Cards invariably hit the ground running about mid-January, I decided to claim end of the year procrastination as a “tradition” and forge ahead.  Besides I was occupied between Christmas and New Years combating a bunch of kids for a patch of mountain on which to ride my board (hey, I only took out a few…that I know of) -man-made snow, quite the hot commodity.

Anyway, I will make this easy.  I do NOT make New Years Resolutions.  Not since, after occupying Los Angeles for 10 years, I Resolved to give up using the F bomb – which has led me to a lifelong, frustrating and futile search for its replacement equal.

Therefore, here are my 6 New Years NON-Resolutions:

I will NOT drink more water.  Let’s face it, at a certain age the Pee Pee dance is no longer cute and becomes potentially hazardous. (If you are not getting a mental picture here, just give it a few years).

I WILL add to my embarrassingly large, spilling out of the closet, “yes, honey, I swear I got that for a good price” denim collection. However, as an attached rider, I renew my vow to shun all things bearing the name “Jegging” and I will pass on the new “Ass-Cam” now being installed in select designer denim fitting rooms.

I WILL eat sugar in my coffee, in my soda, in my desserts, in my snacks; Even if it means the possible acquisition of a JLo Butt (wait, maybe I should re-think that Ass-Cam…?).  “I’ll have boobs to go with that butt please.”

I will NOT give up the right to throw things when the situation demands.  For example, kids’ shoes I have tripped over a cajillion times, malfunctioning machines (full confession coming soon), cat that lies right in the middle of the room (jk – of course I would not throw my cat…she’s too fat.)

I WILL cook way more pasta then anyone wants to eat.  Furthermore, I WILL, in a fit of thinking I am the next Pioneer Woman, mangle some poor unsuspecting piece of beef, force my family to eat it, and expect them to give me praise.
Lastly, I WILL, in my totally un-cool Soccer Mom van, peel out when local teens make fun, bump into curbs, back into low concrete walls and drive over the grass on the side of our new driveway that hubby is desperately trying to grow.  Because, well, that’s how I roll.

Happy 2012.  May all of your New Years Non-Resolutions be a success!