This is my cat, Lulubelle.

Sometimes, she looks like this:

But, most of the time she looks like this:

As you can see, Lulubelle has a very demanding sleep schedule to maintain. Therefore, how does she on a regular basis, find time to seemingly hunt & torment the birds in my yard? First of all, in doing so she completely flouts my verbal proclamation that all creatures and animals in my yard are under protected sanctuary (ok, except the blood sucking kind).  But more importantly, how does she do it?

What really started my contemplation was my cat’s most recent suspicious acquisition.

You see, the other day I was diligently working while Lulubelle, per usual, slept nearby. All of a sudden,  I heard a bird squawk so loud it sounded as if it was actually in the next room.  The reason being, well, it was in the next room. I went to investigate and there stood Lulubelle (huh?) , looking pleased as Richard Simmons during a full body search, with feathers swirling around her head and a squawking bird in her mouth.

Upon seeing me, Lulu smugly let go of the terrified thing as if to say to me “Yeah lady, it’s a real bird.  How do you like them apples?” (more flouting to be sure). The bird, of course, promptly flew against nearest window screeching something I swear sounded like “Help me; I’m being assaulted by a demon”.

For the next few moments, I felt like Chrissie in a Three’s Company episode (except, you know, without the cleavage and cute ponytails).  Lulubelle cunningly attempted to regain her prize while I further traumatized the screaming bird by frantically chasing it around the room, knocking stuff over,  throwing a nearby dirty boy sweatshirt over it, and bundling it up until I could reach the outside and secure its escape.  As that bird flew like a bat out of hell away from stinky sweatshirt, bimbo Mom and maniacal (and now sleeping) cat, I just know it was promising never to set its little three toed feet in our yard of horrors ever again.

So I repeat.  Where does my cat find  time, not to mention energy?  In my estimation this is very suspect and after much deliberation, I am leaning towards one particular theory –

She is ordering Take out delivery.

It would explain a vast amount of wild animal anomalies encountered at my house on a regular basis – as well as her ability to seemingly be in two places at once.

Honesty, I just hope the dog does not get wind of it…