**Cheese Alert**
My 10 year old son had said his goodbyes and headed out the door to go to a friends house.
Mar13
Category Archives: Parenting
Mar7
Faking It as a Country Girl
10 years ago I did something unbelievable; so amazing in fact, that my friends and family were in awe (or, shock was it?). I moved, with my husband and two boys, from the city to my husband’s hometown in rural mid-west Missouri (for how city girl met country boy go here).
Now, I know what you are thinking: California girl moving to the country – train wreck about to happen. Well, sometimes, it felt that way. In truth, there were adjustments to make.
First off, in an attempt to minimize my transition trauma, we chose a house in “town” as opposed to one smack dab in the middle of a farm – like, without neighbors…and lots of snakes. However, while it is true that in “town” I can actually see my neighbor’s house, it is also a fact that “town” is basically a one block main street with some off-shooting streets, not even enough inhabitants to fill up an AMC Movie Theatre (unless you include the animals and livestock), and to get a decent work-out, you must run/walk/bike the circumference of the “town” numerous times.
However, in addition to learning to survive a rural mid-west winter (A California Girl’s Guide here), I have acquired knowledge of immense use to making it faking it as a country girl.
1. Anywhere in town, always leave your keys in your unlocked vehicle. This is very important, because you never know when someone will need to quickly jump into your vehicle to move it out of the way of a passing farm apparatus, help an elderly person needing your parking space, or borrow it for some quick, random errand. If all goes well, your car will be in the same location when you go to retrieve it. If not, a few phones calls (in my case, usually to car-swapping brother-in-law) will quickly establish a location and alternate transportation if needed.
2. Don’t be fooled, in the country the snakes live in town too. In fact, they enjoy flaunting this fact by dropping out of trees in front of your house guests, sunning themselves outside your kitchen window, slithering through your baseball pick-up games, or hibernating in your domicile. It is best to pretend you are copacetic with co-habitation and hope they are eating rodents and not your baby birds.
3. If you run out of or forget an item at a store, seek help. “Running” to the store to get a needed item is just not an option, the store might as well be a billion miles away (Which explains why savvy country dwellers have pantries the size of Mt. Rushmore). Therefore, if you need an item such as eggs, milk, spices, butter, canned corn, etc…appeal to a neighbor. If you require items such as: Whole Wheat flour, tofu, tempe, organic beans, or turkey bacon…make spaghetti.
4. Learn how to follow road directions. I know what you are thinking…how dumb can you be if you can’t follow directions. But trust me; survival depends on a vast amount of UN-documented knowledge. Here is generally how my first direction experience went:
Me: “How do I get to xyz?”
Direction Giver Guy/Girl (DGG): “Drive straight out of town then turn left at the Smith house”
Me:“Who are the Smiths?”
DGG: “The Smiths are the people who used to live in that house next to the barn where John Chaney kept his horse named Champ”.
Me:“Oh”.
DGG: “Then, take a right onto Boat Road”
Me: “So, there will be a road sign?”
DGG: “No, that is not the actual name”
Me: “Huh?”
DGG: “It is called that because of a building that looks like a boat”
Me: “So, I will see this building that looks like a boat and know when to turn?”
DGG: “No, the building was torn down several years ago.”
Me: “Oh”.
DGG: “Then, when you see the black bull standing in the pasture..”
Me: “You mean, like with horns?”
DGG: “Yeah – turn right at the sharp corner where Duke Dudley wrecked his truck and there you are.”
Me: “Where?”
DGG: “At the chicken coup with the rooster weather vane.”
Me: “Oh”…
And as a country Mom, I have learned to curtail the shock of watching my kids driving before their feet reached the pedals, wielding all manner of power tools and weapons of mass destruction, and requesting flying squirrels as pets. But, that is a story for another day.
In closing, if there is one key thing I have learned about rural life, it is this…
The good thing about living in a small town is,
When you don’t know what you are doing, that’s ok…
Everybody else does…
Feb29
Today’s Best Moment: Wednesday 2/29
Today’s best moment came when I walked into the room to find my 12 year old son listening to the Rolling Stones while doing his homework, all of his own accord.
It was at that moment I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as a parent I was doing something right. For clearly, he knows good Rock & Roll when he hears it. I felt so proud.
Feb27
Bulldogs Don’t Wear Lipstick
A special time of year is quickly approaching. It is the time, each year, when I transform from your typical mild mannered Mom (did I hear someone snicker?) into something scary and not a little bit dangerous…the Sport-Mom.
You see, very soon, it will begin to warm up, the grass will turn green and my two boys will be heading out of doors with their bat, ball, and glove to “take the field”. And I, being the devoted Sport-Mom, will be right there with them. I will sit in the stands, with all the other Sport-Moms doing what Sport-Moms do in such circumstances: guide in all sporting skills, guard against sport pitfalls, protect from lurking evil sport entities, and provide snacks.
Now let me say, it has taken some time for me to become the full-fledged proficient Sport-Mom you see before you today. There were those novice days when I unknowing purchased football cleats for my son to wear for an entire baseball season. The time I actually calmly watched as my son took the mound for the first time – frivolously unaware of the high stakes of Little League Baseball. Oh, and the worst – the time I forgot the snacks.
But now, I come to play – bring my A game, as it were. I try to be good, I really do. But it is a struggle. Let’s face it, whoever decided it was a good idea to meld the Mama-Bear mentality with kids sports had to know trouble was on the horizon. I fear the day I could morph into that Sport-Mom who runs to the dugout to chew out her son for a mistake made on the field because she thinks the coach isn’t doing an adequate job of it. Or, the Sport-Mom who corners the coach after the game with notes on what he needs to change – which usually includes her little dickens starting in pretty much every position. Or, the Sport-Mom who wears sexy, tight and inappropriate outfits to the game in an attempt to distract the opposing team’s coaches (ok, I might do this one if I was blessed with the goods).
Therefore, as the time approaches, even though there is no denying my ability to coach from the bleachers is, well, beyond impressive, I will head into the season with a fresh approach. Strict directives- some self-imposed and some “suggested”- to keep from getting too out of hand.
For example:
I will (per request) make every effort to restrain from screaming out those annoyingly obvious instructions such as “Throw strikes” “Hit the ball!” “Make good throws” “Keep your eye on the ball” “Just play pitch and catch” “You gotta want the ball” “Bat to ball”
and my favorite “See ball…Hit ball” (I definitely won’t say that one because someone might mistake me for an idiot).
I will squelch the impulse to hurl chunks or obsessively pace every time one of my boys comes up to bat – takes the mound – squats behind the plate… ah heck, takes the field in general.
I will resist the urge to go Spider Monkey on the Sport-Mom who is convinced her kid is getting drafted into the Majors straight out of Little League…or the Umpire who doesn’t know the rule book…or the coach who takes advantage of the Ump who doesn’t know the rule book – I will send my friend Nikki to do it.
Lastly, I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, tell my kid (or anyone else’s) “Get your head out of your butt and get in the game”, unless, of course, it is, and in that case we are probably headed for the hospital.
I will, however, cheer until I am hoarse, gives high fives & hugs when they win, give high fives & hugs when they lose, tell them they are awesome…always, eat the teams combined weight in Good n Plenty, wear my sunscreen, and quietly kvetch with empathetic fellow Sport-Moms. All the while, keeping in mind there is undeniably, only one true answer to the question:
What is the difference between a Bulldog and a Sport-Mom?
Bulldogs don’t wear lipstick.
Feb23
Ode to Chris the Caveman
My son was an action figure connoisseur of sorts. As a kid, he spent hours engaged in elaborate battles with his huge collection. These ‘campaigns’ would continue for days on end and until completion, I was not allowed to alter their tactical arrangement in any way. In the majority of these battles, an action figure he named Chris the Caveman (of mysterious origins) was invariably the leader and subsequent conqueror. I asked my son once, why?, and he replied that his battles required super-hero strength against extreme powers and Chris with his ripped muscles seemed like the man for the job…
Looking for the Sweet Spot 