I know today’s holiday – Halloween – is your shining moment. Nonetheless, I find it necessary, in light of recent events (I think you know of what I speak, spider who dangled in front of my face when I opened the front door!), to take this time to review our long-standing contract.
As you may recall:
You, may spin your lair-ish web, creep your skulking crawl, vibe your eerie vibe, trap your unsuspecting prey, and basically do your whole spider thing. And I, promise to leave you alone, free and unfettered, turn a blind eye, mind my own business. That is, of course, under the condition that you carry out all said activities in the great out-of-doors. However, the minute you bring your wily ways into my house, garage, car, on my person or anywhere within my personal space, I reserve the right to squash you, vacuum you up, sick the dog on you, beat you with a broom, and/or spray you with Windex/perfume/anything handy that sprays.
Now I know we had a brief respite from this arrangement in the wake of my 10 year old obsession with the book, Charlotte’s Web. But, that was a long, long, looong time ago and it has been business as usual ever since that passed phase. I wish I could say there would be a return to that kinder, gentler time, but I fear it is not to be.
So you see, I am reminding you of the arrangement for your own good. I feel we must maintain the observance of these rules in order to peacefully co-exist.
Thank you for your understanding in this matter.
Oh, and Happy Halloween
P.S. I feel obligated to add: In the event of PMS or sudden attack of ‘creeped-outedness’, this agreement is null and void. In other words – run scurry for your life.